The Right Person

Picture taken by Retina Production

There's a reason why I get married in my early 20s. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis and hormonal imbalance that requires me to regularly check my hormone level, I was dumbfounded. A quick google search about how my menstruation came every 5 months or so shows me that obgyn visit is a must. After 4 years, my menstruation cycle shifted from 5 months to 3 months, but it still made conceiving very hard. I went to several doctors looking for answer and most of them said, it'll be very difficult for me to conceive, yet if I could, my menstrual problems will go away on its own.

Enough to say that I was so scared beyond beliefs--because: a) I was an only child, and seeing my mom and dad holding my cousins' babies hurts my feelings and my ego and, b) I'm afraid of commitment & affection.

For those who knows me very well, I'm a stubborn & workaholic. My work hours consists of almost 20 hours of going places and thinking hard for the sake of my clients--the worst part? I enjoyed them. Working keeps my sanity despite of my health. Plus, with my payroll on the clock, some extra cash to burn is a very enjoyable benefit. 

I had some traumatic experience with love on my adolescent days that left me scarred that I didn't let people touch me that easy. I'm still dating, but not with the intention of being serious. Boys broke my heart and I had to rebuild my trust each time I go out. I let my last ex cheat on me multiple times and toyed with our 3,5 years worth of relatioship just because I think I wasn't worth enough to come home to. 

The scariest thing about committing to a relationship is that you dealt with this other people. You dealt with feelings, needs, and wants. You had to trust, learn and fight for the rest of your life. Plus, there were this part where sex is involved. I'm just not ready for everything.

In Indonesian society, having kids right after married is a norm. Don't get me wrong, I want kids. I'm just not sure I can conceive one. Each and each time I went to Hormone Therapy, I broke down. I felt useless and incomplete as a woman. My friend used to point out that it is funny how a strong willed, independent career woman, still cried because she can't conceive. Maybe, most people had forgotten that below our hard shells, we are still a little girl by heart. 

Then I met this special guy who thinks my condition is just a butter to a bread that is me. He's simple, down to earth and very humble. He's smart. He taught me to laugh unconditionally. The day I told him that I might not be able to conceive, he smiled and said kids or no kids, we'll still be happy together. 

At times, even after my marriage, I still refused to be touched or kissed or hugged. I cried when I remembered certain details that made me felt traumatic and used, and he'll tell me that everything had passed. My darkest days are over. When I finish my sets of hormone pills, I will turn into this raging-cold-heart-b*tch, yet he stays. It's amazing how he dealt with me without violence, even after years of dating & months of marriage.

People often commented about our social standing and academic status. That is okay, because I know that I will be very proud to have our kids turn out just like him. Beside, I didn't felt used in any ways. He tried his best to provide for our little family, and he still needs to cope with my sets of dramas and problems every day. 

Those who doesn't understands thought I'm marrying someone purely because they ask me to. 

Those who understands saw a girl who found out that despite of her shortcomings, she still deserves some love.

Picture taken by Retina Production

There's a reason why I get married in my early 20s. When I was diagnosed with endometriosis and hormonal imbalance that requires me to regularly check my hormone level, I was dumbfounded. A quick google search about how my menstruation came every 5 months or so shows me that obgyn visit is a must. After 4 years, my menstruation cycle shifted from 5 months to 3 months, but it still made conceiving very hard. I went to several doctors looking for answer and most of them said, it'll be very difficult for me to conceive, yet if I could, my menstrual problems will go away on its own.

Enough to say that I was so scared beyond beliefs--because: a) I was an only child, and seeing my mom and dad holding my cousins' babies hurts my feelings and my ego and, b) I'm afraid of commitment & affection.

For those who knows me very well, I'm a stubborn & workaholic. My work hours consists of almost 20 hours of going places and thinking hard for the sake of my clients--the worst part? I enjoyed them. Working keeps my sanity despite of my health. Plus, with my payroll on the clock, some extra cash to burn is a very enjoyable benefit. 

I had some traumatic experience with love on my adolescent days that left me scarred that I didn't let people touch me that easy. I'm still dating, but not with the intention of being serious. Boys broke my heart and I had to rebuild my trust each time I go out. I let my last ex cheat on me multiple times and toyed with our 3,5 years worth of relatioship just because I think I wasn't worth enough to come home to. 

The scariest thing about committing to a relationship is that you dealt with this other people. You dealt with feelings, needs, and wants. You had to trust, learn and fight for the rest of your life. Plus, there were this part where sex is involved. I'm just not ready for everything.

In Indonesian society, having kids right after married is a norm. Don't get me wrong, I want kids. I'm just not sure I can conceive one. Each and each time I went to Hormone Therapy, I broke down. I felt useless and incomplete as a woman. My friend used to point out that it is funny how a strong willed, independent career woman, still cried because she can't conceive. Maybe, most people had forgotten that below our hard shells, we are still a little girl by heart. 

Then I met this special guy who thinks my condition is just a butter to a bread that is me. He's simple, down to earth and very humble. He's smart. He taught me to laugh unconditionally. The day I told him that I might not be able to conceive, he smiled and said kids or no kids, we'll still be happy together. 

At times, even after my marriage, I still refused to be touched or kissed or hugged. I cried when I remembered certain details that made me felt traumatic and used, and he'll tell me that everything had passed. My darkest days are over. When I finish my sets of hormone pills, I will turn into this raging-cold-heart-b*tch, yet he stays. It's amazing how he dealt with me without violence, even after years of dating & months of marriage.

People often commented about our social standing and academic status. That is okay, because I know that I will be very proud to have our kids turn out just like him. Beside, I didn't felt used in any ways. He tried his best to provide for our little family, and he still needs to cope with my sets of dramas and problems every day. 

Those who doesn't understands thought I'm marrying someone purely because they ask me to. 

Those who understands saw a girl who found out that despite of her shortcomings, she still deserves some love.

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posted by Agi Tiara | duckofyork . Minggu, 15 Mei 2016 .